Almost everyone has suffered from loss or knows someone who has. Unfortunately, grief is a part of life and a reminder of how much we love. If someone you know is grieving a loss, it can be difficult to know how to correctly support them.
You may be afraid of saying the wrong thing or not sure how to be of support. There is no one correct way to support someone grieving, however, there are some statements that can provide comfort and some to avoid.
Read on if you’re looking for tips on how to comfort someone with the loss of a loved one and find the right words to provide them with support and hope.
Understanding The Impact of Grief in Daily Life
Grief significantly impacts daily life, affecting our emotional, physical, social, and spiritual health. It is often an intense and mentally exhausting journey that can shift one’s perspective on life and the self. Grief causes intense emotions such as sadness, anger, guilt, and frustration. This emotional paralysis can impact daily functioning, making it hard to regulate mood or concentrate.
Physically, grief can disturb sleep, reduce energy, and even weaken the immune system. Individuals experiencing intense grief often isolate themselves from loved ones and may struggle with strained relationships [1].
Grieving becomes unhealthy and is considered “Prolonged Grief Disorder” when symptoms like sorrow, emotional numbness, anger, and bitterness are ongoing and disrupt daily routines for months to years.
How Culture Influences Grief
Prolonged grief disorder is thought to affect 7% to 10% of individuals in the US who have experienced loss, partially due to culture. Americans value individualism, emotional resilience, and productivity, and many Americans are expected to “move on quickly” after a loss or are discouraged from displaying vulnerability. This is quite different than, for example, in Mexico, where grief is viewed as communal and rituals like Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) explicitly celebrate those who have lost their life [2][3].
The 7 Stages of Grief
The seven stages of grief is a framework of the emotional process someone goes through after the loss of a loved one. The seven stages are an adaptation of the original five stages of grief introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969. The five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance became globally known for helping people make sense of their emotions after experiencing loss [4].
The 7 stages emerged from this foundation to account for more emotions observed in the grief process. These typically include:
- Shock and Denial: Emotional numbness and disbelief over the loss. The mind is still trying to process what happened.
- Pain and Guilt: Intense emotional pain may often appear with feelings of shame or guilt.
- Anger and Bargaining: Frustration, self-blame, “If only I had done something different.”
- Depression: Sadness, social withdrawal, and deep depression as the reality settles in.
- The Upward Turn: Emotions become more stable, and the individual begins to feel a bit calmer.
- Reconstruction and Desire to Move Forward: Actively starts rebuilding life and living with the loss: “I understand what happened and am making sense of it, just trying to move forward.”
- Acceptance and Hope: Acceptance of a new reality and a hopeful outlook for the future.
What to Say To Someone Who Lost A Loved One
Knowing what to say, or if you should say anything at all, can be difficult when supporting a loved one through grief and loss. You know the person, so use your best judgment when choosing the right words to comfort. Below are some ideas of what to say to someone who has lost a loved one.
- Say you’re sorry, acknowledge their loss, and extend your sympathy: “I am sorry for your loss”, “I heard about your sister, I’m so sorry.”
- If you knew the person who died, you could share a memory: “Your dad had such a good sense of humor. I will never forget the speech he gave at your wedding.”
- Offer space to talk. Ask them, “How are you feeling with everything?” “Would you like to talk about it?”
- Remind them that however they are feeling is okay. Be open to whatever emotions they are experiencing. “I’m here for you, no matter how bad things get.”
- Ask them if there’s anything they need. They may not know the answer, but just offering ideas can go a long way. “Do you need me to help out with any grocery shopping?” “
What Not to Say to Someone Grieving
Although most people mean well, some words or statements should be avoided when supporting someone who is grieving. These statements can unintentionally minimize, dismiss, or validate their feelings.
- Don’t assume you know how they are feeling. Avoid statements like “You must be feeling so angry,” or “I know how you feel, my grandpa died too.”
- Avoid trying to “fix”. Don’t use statements like “At least she had a long life” or “He’s at peace now.”
- Don’t say they will “move on” or “get over it”. Yes, in time they will heal, but everyone moves at their own pace, and it’s better not to rush the process even if well-intentioned.
- Be mindful of religious statements. Unless you know the person well and their belief about life and death, avoid statements like “It was God’s will” or “He’s in heaven now.”
How to Support Someone Beyond Words
Sometimes, no matter how well-intentioned or carefully presented, words can fall short. Often, it is helpful to show your support through action, such as assisting with daily tasks, bringing them food, or offering to help with transportation.
Supporting someone with the loss of a loved one is about patience, empathy, and presence. Here are a few ways to support someone beyond words:
- Practical help: Offer to run errands, cook dinner, do some chores, or help out with childcare.
- Sit with them in silence without pushing a conversation. Just to show them you are there.
- Actively listen to them without judgment or trying to offer solutions.
- Bring a small gesture or comfort, such as flowers, their favorite food, or a cozy stuffed animal.
- Invite them to participate in gentle activities with you, such as going on a walk, seeing a movie, or just catching up over a cup of coffee.
- Encourage them to attend a grief support group, which can provide helpful skills and insights into coping with loss.
Coping with Grief and Finding Professional Support
At Anchor Behavioral Health, we are dedicated to providing compassionate care and grief counseling to those who have experienced loss. We understand the complex nature of grief and how, when unaddressed, it can lead to mental health challenges and addiction. Our empathetic team provides a safe space to process loss and find acceptance.
Contact our admissions team today to learn how we can support you or a loved one as they navigate the grieving process.
Sources
[1] Slavich, G. 2024. How does grief affect your body? UCLA Health.
[2] Rheingold, A. et al. 2024. Prevalence and Co-Occurrence of Psychiatric Conditions Among Bereaved Adults. JAMA Psychiatry.
[3] Treml, J. et al. 2022. Prevalence, Factor Structure, and Correlates of DSM-5-TR Criteria for Prolonged Grief Disorder. Frontiers in Psychiatry.
[4] Elizabeth Kubler Ross Foundation. Kubler-Ross Change Curve.